The Paradoxa Chronicles' Journal
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Depression and posting
Time:2007-06-15 20:47
Obviously, if you feel you might be in this post, you should not continue reading.



As is life, there are disappointments, and such are the constants.

I know things will get better, that chemically my body can only take so much before I get over the pains I am feeling in my stomach and chest. The chest pains probably have a lot to do with stress and the turmoil that has occurred. In order to lessen them, I have chosen this media and my classical rambling styles.

In an effort not to be so abysmal, I will end this post with hope.

I hope that one day I will find my partner. Someone whom I can show I love without being taken for granted and they shall feel the same. Someone who doesn't find me inconvenient nor consideration of my feelings.

or if not, I hope to be quite happy just me and my cats.

~*~*~ I love attention, so shoot me a text message! :D ~*~*~

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Ah....
Time:2007-06-07 22:51
Well, against my previous post, I happen to be writing for reasons other than misery.

In fact, I saw that my last post was negative and didn't feel the need to read and recap.

Anyhoo, it's been awhile. Many things have happened. I graduated, I moved, I bought a car, I got a job... not necessarily in that order.

I have many things on my plate of late, I'm trying yet again to get in shape. I'm not sure what shape I am going for, but I only imagine it being less spherical in nature.

I feel a little pumped up from a run I just did and actually feel like I am improving, at the very least in endurance.

And now I am no longer alone in the house so I shall go.

~*~*~ I love attention, so shoot me a text message! :D ~*~*~

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Stress...
Time:2006-05-30 14:13
Unfortunately I seem to only write in my journal when things are wrong. In that act I suppose this is one of the best outlets for me to whine about life. But it is cathartic. In addition it allows people to basically take a barometer reading on what is going on with me.

Such as perhaps my short comings around a certain time are given a little leeway when you can see that my attention may be rerouted to something else.

But this is only secondary as sometimes it just helps to talk about things and get them off your perverbial chest. So on that note...

It sucks that I am still looking for a job, my landlord won't respond to giving me or my roommate a key to the premises and my car is now in the shop with transmission trouble.

On the brightside I skirted in just under the expiration of my warranty. I apparently to my surprise was 300 miles under when I took it to AAMCO. I thought at first I was past the cutoff and then when I looked at the paperwork I found I thought I was 12 miles under. So for most of memorial day weekend I was was stuck at home for fear of throwing myself into major financial losses. I have to admitt, I've gotten used to driving and it bothers me greatly to be stuck at home.

Yes it is possible for me to walk but the sun is not one's friend in AZ. It makes me wish I had invested in a bike while I was in college or at the very least a little push scooter.

So right now my car is being gutted. My warranty will take care of everything but my deductible. But I am to be without a car for possibly until friday.

Money problems stress me out but being stuck at home doesn't help I am going stir crazy. And now I'm hungry. BLAH!

I wish my warranty company would call me back so I can go about renting a car.

~*~*~ I love attention, so shoot me a text message! :D ~*~*~

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How would you take it if...
Time:2006-05-15 22:41
How would you take it if you recieved a small gift from someone and there is nutritional information on the tag, but nothing edible came with the gift?

~*~*~ I love attention, so shoot me a text message! :D ~*~*~

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Less stress more mess 
Time:2006-05-05 12:19
Mood: tired
Eh, I don't know why I put that title up, it just seemed like a good idea. Anyway....

I just finished up printing and mounting my photos for my final project in Photo class. I still have to make up captions and glue them delicately on, but that's about the last 10 percent of the project (plus spot toning) and it is all stuff I can do from my house, instead of bending my work and study schedule to that of the lab aides who run the photo lab.

A real big plus about this is that I get to leave my 10 pound photo box at home instead of carrying it on my back all the time. When I say that it is a load off my back, I mean it literally.

At work, we are running into a snaffu, I'm pretty sure I mentioned before that we have a heck of a time holding onto student workers here. I mean heck, either we stay for a year or so or they are gone in 2 weeks. Honestly, it's a pretty relaxed work enviroment. I'm sitting here in jeans, a t-shirt and sneakers. The policy is, if I feel comfortable wearing it to school, I am fine wearing it to work. gratuitous mid-driff showing aside.

Anyhoo, we are about a week or two into training the new guy and he apparently didn't show up yesterday. Uh oh... The main guy who knew EVERYTHING took off to study abroad 2 days ago which puts me in student worker seniority. And I am leaving in about a week or two. Then that leaves the hire one month ago in charge. It's going to be pretty hard on him if the newest hire quits. Because then he has to train 2 new people which will arrive close to the time I leave if not after. Not a good situation. Fortunately there isn't much I can do about it so it is basically not my problem. My coworker is cool though, so I feel bad for him.

My hectic schedule has made it harder to see Steven. That and he doesn't get off work until 10 pm which means nights are almost always a wash. That kinda sucks too because I get invited to things on weekday nights that I would like to invite him to as well. Luckily I don't get freaked about attending things alone, it's just I would like to spend more time with him than I am getting to. It doesn't help that his phone is now broken. So I don't know if that means he can't use it at all or what. *shrugs*

I'd say the phone thing is probably the biggest problem though, that cuts off almost all communication. Not only is that kinda emotionally painful, but I don't know how to work that. I won't be able to call him to hang out or anything. We don't live near each other so it's not like we will bump into each other.

Plus, there could always be a good reason for the lack of communication, such as one is just busy.

There are other things that bother me, but that is all that I am willing to share openly.

Mmm... cathartic.

~*~*~ I love attention, so shoot me a text message! :D ~*~*~

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Going a bit nuts 
Time:2006-04-24 11:26
Mood: crazy
Man, I'm stressed. I'm supposed to graduate soon and family and friends want to know what I plan on doing after I graduate. No, it isn't the classic question of what will I do with my life. It actually revolves around parties. Most would think that might be a fun diversion, but considering I'm trying to write two 5 page reports (ones I have to visit actual physical sites to do), take 5 rolls of film, develop 8, contact them and print 12 good photos in addition to mounting them and displaying them in a format befitting their subject, plus study for a Buddhism final, get the crap beaten out of me at Jujitsu, help plan birthday antics, write two artist statements, buy a cap and gown... etc etc... I'm a TAD frazzled.

To those who I have already accidently flaked on, I am sorry. To those of you who I will inevitably flake on for the next 2 weeks. I apologize in advance.

On that note, I have to run to class.

~*~*~ I love attention, so shoot me a text message! :D ~*~*~

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update on my life 
Time:2006-04-05 22:46
Mood: pleased
Well, so far I've popped my hip out. (don't worry... I'm fine... just sore)

My advisor emailed me to tell me I'm .5 credits shy of graduating (my response was, "The hell I am!"... consequently I was right)

I got a darn good deal at Fry's. They are having a 5 12 packs of Coke products for $10 sale. In addition you get 3 free bags of Fry's brand chips AND if you buy Dr. Pepper Berries and Cream and regular Dr. Pepper you get an additional $2 off. It's insane!

Muh guy (oh yeah... I have one of those now) is away on personal business that turned out better than expected. I've missed him. He comes back tomorrow. I hope I see him before he can read this, because I plan on tackling him. It's no fun if he's expecting it and he makes the weirdest faces when I do such things. I am very aware he will read this at some point so I want him to know I was planning it before hand. Mwahahahaha... AHAHAHAHAHAH *cough* AHAHAHAHA!!!!

My mom is doing better and starting to interact with the world again. That's a major plus. I finally get to hang out with her again.

Life isn't too bad right now. I hope I didn't just jinx it.

Ash

~*~*~ I love attention, so shoot me a text message! :D ~*~*~

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Smaller problems in perspective. 
Time:2006-03-26 21:53
Mood:calmer
I had a situation earlier that irked me. I tend to get quite feisty when I think someone is being downright rude. Me and Hannibal Lecter both take it hard. I just tend not to talk to people anymore rather than eat their liver. I never liked liver anyway.

My point however is that I started watching "Deadliest Season". It's about the Alaskan crab fisherman. That is one hella scary job.

Losing a friend every season pretty much puts my petty problems in perspective. And when I feel angry at the people I am irked at, it makes me feel better to think, "At least they aren't dead."

Which, considering my sense of humor might be taken quite darkly.

And if they piss me off even more, I will just flatly state that...

Nothing makes people fear you more than when they feel you might be sarcastically talking about their survival.

~*~*~ I love attention, so shoot me a text message! :D ~*~*~

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Wohoo!! 
Time:2006-03-20 11:08
Mood: scared
Well,

I finally was able to get my laptop fixed. I ordered the part like 3 weeks ago and it just arrived like 4 or 5 days ago. I was a little irked as I paid for expediated shipping. I don't think that ebayer is going to get a really good feedback from me.

However, I installed the new screen myself and it is working perfectly. I am really egotistical about it too because I now feel special. I replaced a part in a laptop. Mwhahahaha. Yes I know it is not all that great, but to me, a person who tends to go through atleast a computer a year... it was a fantastical feat.

Now with the laptop up and running again I will make a solid effort to get ME (aka Mortality's End) up and running as well. I really don't have another excuse until some other computer component goes up in flames (knock on wood).

I also have the displeasure of having a gallery opening tonight with one of my drawings being featured. It's a requirement to graduate. Apparently I have to be there the whole time it is open to answer questions and talk about my peice. I hate that... I really don't want to do it at all. On top of it there might be some odd 7-12 friends and family who will be coming as well. I'm worried half the crowd will be just there to support me. >.< It's sweet but if I horribly embarass myself there will be a lot of witnesses. That's not so cool.

I can't wait until it is over. For those of you 'net friends that cannot attend, I will see if I can post a digital picture of something. But I wouldn't count on it as I am feeling scatter brained and there is a good chance I will not remember.

Until next time...

Support your local scaredy cat artists!

~*~*~ I love attention, so shoot me a text message! :D ~*~*~

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LMFAO!!!
Time:2006-02-14 12:13
We lost power at my home in Tempe. Between the broken laptop and no place to sleep at school. I'm homeless and thrown back into the stone age.

It's going to take some time for them to fix the fuse box. >.<

LMAO... this week has been a trip.

I'm extremely protective of my car now, as it is the ONLY thing of any value I have left that is capable of working. (my cell phone is dead as I have no way to charge it)

~*~*~ I love attention, so shoot me a text message! :D ~*~*~

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Argh... not again 
Time:2006-02-12 10:17
Mood: aggravated
Well, as some of you might have noticed, the comic was running again. I had switched over to my laptop to do the computer work on the comic as the desktop never recovered.

Well, it seems that this comic is just down right bad luck as my laptop just took a kitty pushed nose dive off the table. It landed on it's LCD screen. Yeah, it's fubared.

After a crying jag and eyeing a meat grinder for the cat, I have to put the comic on hiatus. I need to use all my resources to either get my laptop fixed or to get a new one. I have an online class. It needs to come first.

On the bright side, the comic is done through thursday of next week, so hopefully I will get everything fixed and back on track and only lose a financial and comic sequential buffer out of all of this.

*sigh*

I mean damn, everytime I start getting the sequential comic thing down a computer component blows or something.

~*~*~ I love attention, so shoot me a text message! :D ~*~*~

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Pork and beef are NOT the same thing 
Time:2006-02-09 14:24
Mood: amused
You know, I'm sitting here eating my lunch. It's Yaki beef over rice. It's not bad, but it's also not beef. Nope, it's not a rodent special, it's just pork.

I'm sorry, but no matter how you much you try to marinate pork to look like beef, it's still pork. The marinade is a dark brown, but the meat is just kinda a medium tan when you rub the sauce off. In addition, the texture is all wrong and so is the density. Beef usually has no bounce back. You bite cooked beef, it pretty much stayes in it's mashed state. In addition, it is a bit tougher. Pork however has what I like to call a bounce back factor. It has less resistance, but if you bite it and don't break through it will try and go slightly back into it's shape. Plus pork in thin strips tends to jiggle a bit more and beef tends to be limper.

Hey, I LOVE beef. I definitely can tell the difference between all meats and beef. Someone even tried to trick me with horse once. No go, I didn't know what it was right away but I knew it wasn't bovine. It just irks me that a restaurant would do that. Especially since if you are Muslim, you aren't allowed to have pork. In that religion it damns you to hell, it's also not great if you are Jewish.

Seems insensitive, plus beef just tastes better than pork in my opinion.

Other than my food rant, apparently one of my friends is trying to marry me off again. She is trying to set me up with the roomate/bestfriend of the boyfriend of her sister in law. She actually said, "When you finally meet up with him, give me a call so I can find out if he's marriage material or not."

Oy, talk about premature. Heck, I'm not even sure if I ever want to get married in the first place.

~*~*~ I love attention, so shoot me a text message! :D ~*~*~

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Sometimes I wonder about my job... 
Time:2006-02-08 11:35
Mood: anxious
I like my job and all, but as with everyone they have periods when they aren't happy at all with something that is going on.

I was complaining to some friends a few days ago because my bosses are always complimenting a co-worker to me. It's happened a few times and to say the least it is irking. He's a nice guy, they are good bosses... most of the time.

However, I tend to get testy when someone is being praised to me and I am currently doing their job because reportedly they extended their vacation a day to nurse a hangover.

Hey, I'm all for fun and some irresponsibility within moderation and allowances, I just don't want to hear how great they are when I have to pick up their slack and I haven't heard good things about me in return, even though I don't call out because I have partied too hard the night before... knowing I had work in the morning.

That aside, I really have no grudge in the situation and kinda feel a little bad because I was making some faxes and one of the people who skipped out the other day got "talked to" albiet mildly while I was there. It's something I don't exactly like about this office, when something is wrong apparently public dressing down is common.

It makes me a little antsy. I much rather get pulled into an office and the grievances made there. Embarassment tends to creep up when a coworker is privvy to it.

C'est la vie.

~*~*~ I love attention, so shoot me a text message! :D ~*~*~

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Never my fault... 
Time:2006-02-08 10:02
Mood: annoyed
You know it irks me when I see certain signs.

Such as, "Stay 500 feet back, not responsible for falling glass" on the back of a construction truck.

I say BULL!!! The hell you aren't responsible for that glass. It's your JOB not mine. Yes, if I don't heed the warning to stay 500 feet back, I am endangering myself and thus it makes it my responsibility. But if you are booking it at 90 down the freeway and you've shoddily secured your cargo, you sure as hell are responsible if it kills someone.

I notice signs like this all over the place and disclaimers people are forced to sign by doctors, professors and the like. Yeah, if it's my own dumbass fault because I didn't follow instructions or if it was a freak accident, sure... you aren't responsible, I shouldn't sue. But if the professor/teacher royally f's up and neglects to teach someone safety procedures or allows someone they know are unsafe into a dangerous enviroment... they sure as hell are responsible.

If the doctor isn't paying attention and a patient specifically asks if their medications will interact badly and they say, "no". Then they sure as HELL are responsible if that person gets sick or strokes out.

Some people need to take some responsibility and if they are too incompetent to do their job or follow directions, they shouldn't try to push that off on someone else.

BAH!!!

Now I'm off to some happy thoughts.

~*~*~ I love attention, so shoot me a text message! :D ~*~*~

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Things that suck, but are funny. 
Time:2006-02-01 09:46
Mood: cheerful
Doing a planned fall and getting confused in Jujitsu class and landing really really wrong... and having your Sensei bust out laughing.

Misstepping and falling in Tai Chi class and having your Sensei bust out laughing (seeing a pattern?)

Having your art professor come by and tell you he hates the media/picture you are working with, but he says it sure looks like fun.

Having a 55 year old man insist that you are Filipino and then give you his business card so you can call him sometime while he stares directly at your butt.

Having a tortoise that likes you so much it only wishes to be hand fed. And will starve itself unless you comply (This one is still not funny yet)

Having a cat that steals your hair ties and buries them in her litter box.

And finally....

Getting an anti-stress aromatherapy body spray and winding up being allergic to it ("*Achoo!* *Achoo!!!* Gah... my nose is draining and my *Achoo!!* eyes *AchooAchooAchoo* are watering! *ACHOO!* Get this crap *ACHOOOOOO* OFFA ME!!!!!!!")

Not very stress relieving... is it?

~*~*~ I love attention, so shoot me a text message! :D ~*~*~

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Open yet again to the public 
Time:2006-02-01 09:30
Mood: awake
Yeah, I am taking my journal off of friends only. I'm leaving the archives as such though because it took me several weeks to put them in there securely and frankly if I feel the need to block certain people I am not about to keep shifting them back and forth.

In all honesty, I try to be really open. I like people being able to read me easily... there is less confusion. If something displeases me they can read it on my face. A disturbed look is put more eloquently than anything I could say and I rarely put my foot in my mouth if I just allow someone to read my emotions as is.

I grow weary of emotional plotting. When people want to call someone but they don't want to seem desperate so they wait a certain amount of time to seem aloof. Goddamnit, if I like you and want to talk to you, what is so wrong about letting you know I am kinda eager? I'd take it as a compliment.

I learned this from my mom's cat. She doesn't sit at the doorway and plot the best aloof route to pretend she doesn't care even though she really really wants to be in my lap. She comes on over and plops her big butt down and starts purring. She has no problem letting me know I'm loved. She also has no problem letting me know what I am doing displeases her. I get bit. She's easy to read and I wish people were as well.

I am tired of people getting their feelings hurt and hiding it only to bite me in the ass when all they should have done is VOICED IT and allowed me to apologize and endeavor to not do it again.

It's BS to justify cruelty because someone irked you.

So, let's all follow the teachings of Elvis the kitty and let people know when you are displeased and above all... when you are happy and loving as well.

*Mraow*
>o.0

~*~*~ I love attention, so shoot me a text message! :D ~*~*~

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Going the way of other journals... yay 
Time:2005-11-12 13:27
Mood: apathetic
It has come to my attention that my journal is being used in ways I do not appreciate.

My journal is now closed to friends only.

I will add the people who post here so they can read my journal, but obviously I shall be screening.

It is not a right to read someone's journal, it's a privilege and there is a certain amount of trust inherent in that.

Please remember you must be logged in to your account to view my journal.

~*~*~ I love attention, so shoot me a text message! :D ~*~*~

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Webcomics I visit
Time:2005-09-08 15:31
Just for my own edification. I sometimes forget some of them:

megatokyo.com
errantstory.com
sinfest.net
sabrina-online.com
sokora.com
crapidrewonmylunchbreak.com
stripteasecomic.com
pennyandaggie.com
mistythemouse.com
ozfoxes.com/fauxpas
somethingpositive.net
sorethumbsonline.com
www.elisalandis.com

~*~*~ I love attention, so shoot me a text message! :D ~*~*~

Time:2005-07-10 11:39
It's just one of those things. You look around and wonder. So this is it?

TV never shows this side... neither do movies.

And in the end was it worth it?

If it was, would I need to even ask that question?

If I could change it all would I?

Would I even care...

Hmm, when it all breaks down and fire is the only way to clear your mind.

Would I even bother to put myself out?

~*~*~ I love attention, so shoot me a text message! :D ~*~*~

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Ugh... what is so damn hard to get about all of this? 
Time:2003-08-27 21:02
Mood: aggravated
I was flipping through the headlines and I read about how people are outraged that the 10 Commandments were removed from Alabama's judicial building.

Careful, opinions being thrown about.Collapse )

~*~*~ I love attention, so shoot me a text message! :D ~*~*~

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